


Every Sans x Reader Story Ever

by Vienamarie



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Not to be taken seriously, Parody, Please Don't Kill Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9187871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vienamarie/pseuds/Vienamarie
Summary: In which a hypocritical author takes the piss out of her favorite fandom





	

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I wrote this for me, because I thought it was funny. I'm not trying to insult anybody who writes Sans x Reader fics, I was just...bored. Very bored. I hope you get a laugh out of this, because I got a laugh out of writing it.

You were an ordinary person, doing everyday person things and wanting more out of life. Also you were single, because all of the Readers start out single and ready to mingle. Previous boyfriend/girlfriend? Nah, who needs those!? Not you!

Your job was boring as hell. Your car was old as hell. Your house/apartment was empty as hell, as if you were waiting for the chance to move out and into somebody else’s home under some random circumstance, like eviction, or robbery, or something. You had just come home after a particularly long day doing work when you plopped down on the couch and turned on your tv.

Holy shit!! Monsters were pouring out of Mt. Ebott!! Your parents fuckin’ LIED to you when they said monsters weren’t real as a child, only instead of hiding in your closet they were hiding in a mountain. Trapped. Because humans were assholes like that. Man, you irrationally hated your own species.

For some reason, you are completely cool with the fact that monsters exist?? M O N S T E R S. You are _unfazed_ , and continue to go to work and live out your day-to-day life without a second thought Your coworkers talk about nothing but the fact that, hey, **monsters are real** , but you can’t be bothered to stoop so low as to gossip with other humans over world-changing news. 

Fast forward a few years, and you still work at your boring job. Something happens to make you piss off a bunch of pro-human activists, and a short, fat skeleton comes to your rescue. 

For some reason, you feel like you’ve met this monster before, even though you literally never have because they came out of the mountain several years ago. The skeleton tells you his name is Sans, and from there on, everything just… kinda spirals out of control??

Going home is, for some reason, off the table, so Sans takes you to his house. His brother, Papyrus, is an ignorant cinnamon roll. For a good three chapters, you question whether or not this fic is reader x Papyrus or reader x Sans, until the context clues start telling you that you’ve got the hots for the short one. 

If it’s a slow burn, you don’t get to kiss him for like, 30 chapters. If it isn’t, you go straight to the _bone zone_ (god, I’ve never heard that one before) in like 4. Your love blossoms faster than you can blink. You are absolutely whipped by Sans and his magical glow-dick, and also begin to make some incredibly fast life choices in the span of several weeks:

You move your suspiciously few belongings out of your place and into the skeleton brothers’, you quit your boring, long-term job, and you sell your car because your necrophiliac’s wet dream of a lover can teleport through time and space. Now that you’re, essentially, a freeloader, you’ve got all the time in the world to shag this tiny, tiny monster.

He’s _so_ short. He seems to never be any taller than boob height, which, I guess, is just fine for him. He’s so compact you could throw him over your shoulder like a potato sack. Except the potato sack weighs more. 

Anyway, now that you’re spending days on end with Sans, you begin to see his dark, broody side emerge. His eerily expressive smile looks fake as hell, the tiny lights inside his sockets get dark as hell, _all of his puns are recycled as hell_ , holy **fuck** , fandom, how many times can we e x h a u s t “bone tired” and “bone zone” and “tibia honest” I swear to god –

So Sans goes all Teen Angst™ on you and you’re like, “well, what the fuck?” and decide to confront him about it. Sans jokes his way out of the conversation so you try again a few days later. This leads to an argument, and you, like an Adult, storm out of the house to be moody and pout. 

Surprise! You’ve conveniently run into the pro-human, anti-monster people you pissed off before, and they kidnap you! Papyrus bitches his brother out for refusing to talk to you like a civil, short person, and Sans decides to chase after you. Except you’ve been kidnapped, so he can’t apologize for being a miniature, personified ball of Depression. 

The anti-monster people never seem to ask for ransom in these stories for some reason, so they just kinda keep you tied up in a cellar while they scheme over ways to make you out as an example for monster lovers. 

They’re gonna injure _you_ , a _human_ , to set an example for monsters and people that like monsters. They’ve gotta be the smartest terrorists in the world, god damn. 

You go missing for like three days. Sans searches blindly for you _everywhere_ , until he somehow manages to get SUPER lucky and finds you in the exact house and the exact cellar you were placed in. Seriously, he was working off of, like, one clue. You didn’t even have your cellphone on you, it was like he just threw a dart at a map and decided to look for you there.

Your harmless-looking, ketchup-reeking, pun slinger does that thing where his eye turns neon blue and he fucks up all of the anti-monster people, then carries you away in his suddenly super strong arms and apologizes for being a dick. You, somehow untraumatized, immediately forgive him and then he spills his life story.

“I’ve loved you before,” he weeps.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“THE _RESETS_ , Y/N _______ OC READER!! T H E R E S E T S!!!!1!11!!!1!!”

Then he gets sad and starts talking about timelines and night terrors, and it turns out you’re Special™ because you prevent all of the humans, and the human government somehow, from shoving the Monsters back inside the mountain out of ignorance and fear, with the power of DETERMINATION. 

You have sex the same night he rescued you from those humans, and I’m pretty sure you didn’t even shower first. You were stuck in a cellar for days, probably with no bathroom breaks or anyone to come feed you or anything, and the two of you just needed to do the horizontal tango before anything else.

Enter: Dadster Gaster, who can only be seen and heard by you, for some reason that is never, ever explained. Against any common-sense judgement, you decide to keep Gaster a secret from Sans, which, honestly, shouldn’t have been hard because you are the only one who can see him. 

Gaster is in the story now because all other plot devices have been exhausted, so now you have to go on a mission with your compact boyfriend to bring him out of the Void so that he can help you keep the Monsters out of the mountain. 

While trying to free Gaster under Sans’ nose, you almost die, like, six more times. Seriously, the reader should have experienced _some sort of trauma_ at this point. You can’t ding-dong ditch Death’s door this many times and walk away unscathed, that isn’t how it works.

Finally, you pull it off. Gaster is free, Sans is having a secondary existential crisis because, holy fuck, his father is alive, and Papyrus is just happy another skeleton exists because he can’t remember a damn thing about his goopy daddy. 

Surprise!!1! Gaster is really THE BAD GUY and you just freed him from the Void and he is BAD and wants to EXPERIMENT on EVERYONE! Sans has to bottle up his disappointment at the fact that he’ll never get the father-son bonding his poor, 1 HP soul has craved more than he craves ketchup, and help you murder his progenitor. Papyrus really isn’t affected by his appearance or disappearance either way.

You spent four and a half chapters freeing the Void Daddy and like half of a page killing him again, in a super wordy battle that lasts about five minutes. Gaster is never mentioned again for the rest of the story, and you’re on your own when it comes to stopping the entirety of your race from condemning these peaceful beings made of magic and dust bunnies underground.

Somehow, you do it! You make some long drawn out speech and post it on a blog that goes viral, and the Monsters are free to become legal citizens with rights!

Sans proposes to you and you immediately say yes. Then you kiss, and he calls you by name, and you realize that the Reader was Frisk the whole time and the author didn’t tag this right, what the fuck. 

The end.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Helpful tips on how to write a fanfiction](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515792) by [Reader_San](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reader_San/pseuds/Reader_San)




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